


Once More in Pegasus: a musical episode of Stargate Atlantis

by rhymer23



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Humor, Musicals, Pastiche, Poetry, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2225196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhymer23/pseuds/rhymer23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something Mysterious happens. There is angst. There is whump. There is musical snark. There are ambiguous dance steps. There are singing Wraith. There are dancing Genii. This season is going out with a song…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More in Pegasus: a musical episode of Stargate Atlantis

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Stargate Atlantis version of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode _Once More With Feeling_. Every song from that episode appears here, with entirely new words, but with their original (often utterly hellish) metres and rhyme schemes. You don't have to be familiar with the original songs to read this, but it will, of course, help if you know what tunes these lyrics should be sung to. 
> 
> Originally posted on LJ in 2007. There are no real spoilers, except for _the_ spoiler for the third season episode _Sunday_.
> 
> This was actually the third version of Once More With Feeling I wrote, each one in a different fandom. Despite the hellish rhyme schemes, I seemed to be quite addicted to writing these things for a while. I've not posted the other two to AO3 yet, but will do so in due course.

**Once More in Pegasus: A musical episode of Stargate Atlantis**

**1\. We Wraith**  
(Tune: Going Through The Motions - Buffy's opening song)

 _The scene is some deserted landscape on a strange planet in a galaxy far, far away, that the Ancients, in their ineffable wisdom, have made to look strangely like Canada. Wraith darts weave around in a fairy-like ballet. One dart flies directly towards us, and deposits four Wraith in a beam of white light. They are_ WRAITH LEAD SINGER _and his small phalanx of_ BACKING WRAITH, _who dance towards us in stylishly-choreographed patterns._

WRAITH LEAD SINGER:  
We have been pre-judged and labelled evil,  
Just because our teeth are bad.  
And our sense of style is quite primeval,  
And we tend to snarl,  
When we're feeling mad.  
No-one tries to know what lies below,  
The facade of their foe,  
But we Wraith are really cuddly,  
Kind and soft of heart,  
Fond of song, philosophy and art.

_As he sings, we see a montage of images of the Wraith at home - the sort of images that, according to the caption, the oppressive Atlanteans, and their minions, the makers of the Earth show "Stargate Atlantis", always try to suppress. We see Wraith helping little old ladies across roads, saving small children from runaway horses, cuddling their teddy bears, and performing opera. Are these images fake? Have we been wrong about the Wraith all along? Have we accidentally been shown an episode of "Hive Ship Atlantis", hit TV show on the Wraith world, depicting the heroic battle of the Wraith against their evil nemeses Queen Weir, Butcher Sheppard, and the evil mad scientist, Ruddy McKay?_

WRAITH LEAD SINGER:  
Sometimes, I admit, we go out killing  
Trillions - it's quite a shame.  
But our starvy tums require refilling -  
Don't apportion blame;  
You would do the same;  
Humans are fair game.  
We're misunderstood, we're really good,  
We just eat you for food,  
But we Wraith are really cuddly,  
Wouldn't hurt a fly,  
It's not our fault our breakfast goes and dies.

Do not listen to the others!  
We're good sons who love our mothers!  
And we make attentive lovers,  
But they refuse to see:  
Wraith are really cuddly,  
Although we look like bugs.  
We're pacifists at heart,  
But just don't look the part  
And we just want to give you hugs. 

_The song finishes. The various Wraith return to their darts._

_Something Mysterious happens._

**2\. I've got a theory**  
(Tune: I've Got a Theory )

 _We are in the Atlantis briefing room._ WEIR _is there, along with_ SHEPPARD, McKAY, TEYLA, RONON, ZELENKA, _and_ BATES, _who is Just There, even though this is set in season three, so don't ask or wonder, okay? Weir shows the others a little video of the Something Mysterious, taken by a_ MALP, _which, sadly, doesn't get its own song. Yes, it's time for another deeply professional and serious briefing, in which all the Atlantis personnel demonstrate their maturity and unity._

SHEPPARD:  
I've got a theory:  
We need explosions!  
Let's fly up atom bombs  
And have some detonations. 

_McKay rolls his eyes._

BATES:  
I've got a theory:  
It's the Athosians!  
We need to lock them up  
And start investigations.

_Sheppard glares. Teyla glowers._

RONON ( _spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing_ ):  
To hell with theories!  
Want some Wraith to kill.  
I'm getting leery  
And quite weary,  
Tired of sitting still. 

BATES:  
It could be Teyla  
I know it's Teyla

SHEPPARD:  
Which is ridiculous, because Teyla's on my team, and, yes, I trust her with my life, and, Sergeant, you'll be over _there_.

McKAY:  
I've got a theory,  
It could be citrus

ZELENKA ( _waving his hand hopefully_ ):  
I've got a theory...

_McKay jumps on the table and proceeds to declaim in a very impressive fashion, accompanied by an atmospheric laser show, which he controls mentally with his Ancient gene. An Ancient mirror ball descends from the ceiling and rotates enigmatically._

McKAY:  
Citrus is the worst of threats this universe faces.  
If they kill Genius - bye-bye, friendly races!  
It infiltrates my pastries,  
And leaps out to kill me quite horribly.  
Citrus! Citrus! It must be citrus!  
Oh, ha-ha, Colonel!

_The reason for McKay's final exclamation is revealed: Sheppard has produced a lemon and is waving it rhythmically in McKay's direction. Weir looks stern. Lemon, mirror ball and laser show all disappear sheepishly._

SHEPPARD:  
I've got a theory...

McKAY:  
Yes, yes, bombs - big boom!

SHEPPARD:  
Hey, yours was citrus,  
Which is...

McKAY:  
Citrus spells out certain doom!

ZELENKA ( _waving his hand hopefully_ ):  
I've got a theory...

WEIR:  
That you should listen!  
We'll solve this thing a whole lot quicker,  
If, gentlemen, you do not bicker.  
We must unite,  
And stand as one.  
If we all fight,  
All hope is gone.

SHEPPARD and McKAY  
We'll solve this thing a whole lot faster,  
If we have snark and mocking laughter.

SHEPPARD:  
I'll bait McKay

McKAY:  
I'll whine and boast

SHEPPARD, McKAY, TEYLA and RONON ( _who speaks it, because Ronon Doesn't Sing_ )  
We'll save the day  
Our foes are toast.

We'll solve this thing, we'll stand together,  
We're friends for life, not just fair weather.  
There's nothing we can't face...

McKAY:  
Except for citrus.

 **3\. Waking the Wraith**  
(Tune: They Got the Mustard Out!)

SHEPPARD _walks through the Stargate. On the other side are_ ALL THE PEOPLE FROM ALL THE FRIENDLY PLANETS IN THE PEGASUS GALAXY. _When they see him, they point accusingly, and close on him threateningly. Quite a lot of them are dead._

ALL THE PEOPLE FROM ALL THE FRIENDLY PLANETS IN THE PEGASUS GALAXY:  
He made the Wraith wake up!

SHEPPARD ( _angstily_ ):  
I made the Wraith wake up!

_And now Sheppard himself wakes up. It was only a dream. But, oh, the angst, the angst, etc._

**4\. I am Reborn**  
(Tune: I'm Under Your Spell - Tara's song)

TEYLA _and_ RONON _are sparring. In slow motion. Perhaps even in a Montage. Mid-fight, everything freezes. Teyla turns to face the camera. As she sings, various scenes featuring Sheppard, McKay and Weir appear, using that wibbly flashy-backy visual effect. It is more moving than the stage directions imply._

TEYLA:  
I lived my life in sorrow,  
Always afraid of the Wraith.  
My people feared tomorrow,  
It was so hard to have faith.  
But your people came,  
Hope rose like sun after rain.

I have been reborn,  
Everything is new,  
Living here along with you.  
I see a brand new dawn,  
The sky above is blue,  
Is this hope? Can this be true?

 _Silence. The orchestra continues on for a few bars, then stops in a confused fashion. Surely this song runs to more than just one verse and a chorus? The orchestra starts up again hopefully. Still nothing. Teyla, we see, is nudging Ronon with increasing urgency. Finally, very grudgingly, Ronon does his bit. It is, however, spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing._

RONON:  
Was caught, was tagged, was hunted;  
Killed lots of Wraith, now I'm here.

_Ronon returns some solo working out. "I've done my duty," his body language says, "and that's all you're getting from me." The orchestra is beginning to sound disconsolate and rejected. Finally Teyla takes pity on them._

TEYLA  
He beat them and confronted,  
All of his foes without fear.  
But he was alone,  
Deep down he longed for a home.

Now he is reborn,  
It should feel more wrong,  
But he feels like he belongs,  
He sees a brand new dawn,  
His team makes him feel strong,  
Which is why he sings this song.

This place feels like home.  
I am on your team  
Sometimes it feels like a dream.

I have been reborn!  
This city by the sea,  
Has become a home to me.  
I see a brand new dawn,  
And the other three,  
Have become my family.

This place feels like home,  
This place feels like home.  
This place feels like home.  
You all are my home. 

_The moving nature of the song is rather undermined by the glares Teyla is shooting Ronon's way. One suspects that there will be Repercussions. Some might also wonder if Ronon does, perhaps, protest too much about this Not Singing business. Perhaps he belts out power ballads in the privacy of his own room._

 

 **5\. I'll Never Tell**  
(Tune: I'll Never Tell - Xander and Anya's song)

SHEPPARD _arrives at_ McKAY's _room, with an air of studied nonchalance._

SHEPPARD:  
Hey now, McKay, wanna come out and play?  
Come take up your gun.  
I want you again (for your highly trained brain)  
Come on - you'll have fun!

( _Quietly, to camera_ :)  
I need him by my side,  
Without him there I would have died,  
But that is something… No, I'll never tell.

McKAY:  
Shoo, Colonel Flyboy, I don't want to die,  
Get out of my room!  
No, no, no, no! I don't want to go  
And face near-certain doom. 

( _Quietly, to camera_ :)  
I need him by my side,  
When I said otherwise, I lied,  
But that is something...No, I'll never tell,

BOTH:  
No, no, I won't tell.

McKAY:  
He flirts like Kirk, he  
Interrupts my work, he's  
Got a stupid smirk, he's  
Kind of brainy... No, wait!

SHEPPARD:  
His skin's anaemic,  
He eats... 

McKAY: Hypoglycaemic!  
His navigation's "scenic"

SHEPPARD:  
And he can't fly straight!

BOTH:  
In insults we are dealing

SHEPPARD:  
Cos I never like revealing,  
All the things that I am feeling…

_McKay misses his cue. A moment later, he returns to the song, crumbs on his chin, and his mouth full._

McKAY:  
Oh, my breakfast was congealing  
While you sang your song  
And wasting food is so wrong.

His hair's unruly,  
He teases me quite cruelly,  
He likes to play the fool, he...

SHEPPARD:  
Could be Mensa, McKay!

He's always snarky,  
He's nervous in the dark, he...

McKAY:  
My bite's worse than my bark, be  
Careful what you say.

( _spoken_ ) Hey, look at me, Colonel, I'm dancing crazy!

_McKay, it seems, is quite a stylish dancer, if you have a rather loose definition of "stylish." His dancing involves much waving of hands. Sheppard dances, too, but his dancing is sardonic, stoic and manly. It mostly involves the movement of one eyebrow. The dance could be one of love, or could be one of abiding friendship; the choreography is ambiguous._

SHEPPARD:  
You know, you're quite heroic

McKAY:  
He's far too stoic

SHEPPARD:  
He's really very whiny

McKAY:  
And his brain is very tiny,

SHEPPARD:  
And I have to guard his... back in fights.

He's often surly,  
He runs just like a girlie,  
And in private he is really  
Fond... 

McKAY:  
Hey, that doesn't rhyme!

SHEPPARD:  
He steals my verses...

McKAY:  
He says Satedan curses  
And what is even worse is...

SHEPPARD:  
Hey! This verse is _mine._

SHEPPARD ( _singing to camera_ )  
Although  
We always argue,  
You know,  
It's just my way to show I care.

McKAY ( _to camera_ )  
I'm terrified I'll let him down,  
And so I tend to play the clown.

SHEPPARD:  
Although we always bicker,  
Blood is thick, but water's thicker.  
And I love him as a brother

HOPEFUL SHIPPERS:  
Are you sure you don't mean "lover"?

McKAY:  
And I really thought I'd hate him,  
But I don't, and so I bait him...

SHEPPARD:  
And in fact I rather rate him  
Kind of highly, but hell!  
In public I'll never tell.

McKAY:  
Pretend I don't care.

SHEPPARD:  
Hide behind smiles.

McKAY:  
Don't let them see

SHEPPARD:  
Don't let them know

BOTH:  
And never... tell.

 **6\. Little notes**  
(Tune: The Parking Ticket)

 _In comes_ KAVANAGH, _looking Kavanaghish, clutching many bound notebooks, with beautifully Photoshopped covers._ ZELENKA _is there, raising his hand hopefully. Kavanagh elbows past him without noticing him._

KAVANAGH:  
I have written a sheaf of notes,  
On Doctor Weir and all her faults,  
And this is volume three,  
In which I show the feet of clay,  
Of Colonel Sheppard and McKay,  
(You know, it's possible they're gay,  
Though some say that can't be.)  
I'll bring them down, I'll make them pay,  
I'll make these people rue the day,  
They... 

_His face impassive_ , RONON _steals Kavanagh's notebooks and eats them._

KAVANAGH:  
No! You can't! I'll sue! No! Hey!

 **7\. Am I Dead?**  
(Tune: Let Me Rest in Peace - Spike's song)

CARSON _is drifting through the hallways of Atlantis, looking ever so slightly transparent._ ZELENKA _tries to talk to him, but Carson is too busy lamenting the fact that nobody can see him that he doesn't see Zelenka._

CARSON:  
I died  
But the fans won't let me go.  
I still crop up in fanfic,  
Although not in the show.  
It's really quite confusing:  
Am I dead, or no?  
Oh oh!

Och no!  
Am I a bloody ghost?  
Floating in a nightie  
While my body's dead as toast?  
Am I playing bagpipes  
In the Scottish heavenly host?

You know,  
I'd quite like to be real.  
An incorporeal doctor  
Cannot really heal.  
When dead, I can't take temperatures  
Ask people how they feel.  
Am I dead, or no?

Am I dead or no?  
I just don't know.  
I'm there in every fanfic,  
But never in the show.  
I've been replaced by Keller,  
They mourned for me, and so...  
Am I dead or no?

Although  
I often used to moan  
Bout going through the Stargate,  
Bout firing bloody drones,  
Bout being in a Galaxy  
Far away from home…  
But am I dead or no?

I wish that I knew…  
Oh, writers, won't you give a clue,  
Cos what's a Scottish lad to do,  
When he seems dead, at least for the noo?  
It's quite enough to make me blue  
I didn't even say adieu  
So let me know:

Am I dead or no?  
Am I still alive?  
I died in season three, but  
Am I there in season five?  
I have a lot to offer,  
I would quite like to survive...  
Am I dead or no?  
Please tell me:  
Am I dead or no?

 **8\. Does Anybody Notice?**  
(Tune: Dawn's Lament)

ZELENKA _raises his hand hopefully in a variety of places. Various people, intent on their own special songs, ignore him or speak through him._

ZELENKA:  
Does anybody even notice?  
Does anybody even care?

_But the orchestra and the camera are already moving on._

Interlude: The Actual Plot  
(Background music: Dawn's Ballet)

 _At this point, the writer realises that she has reached the halfway point and there hasn't been an actual plot. She orders the orchestra to shut up, shouts at everyone to stop their self-indulgent singing, dancing and angsting, and pushes_ SHEPPARD _and his team through the Stargate. They go to investigate the Something Mysterious. ~~Wraith~~ ~~Replicators~~ Genii jump out at them in an ambush! _ TEYLA _twirls her sticks._ RONON _kills things._ McKAY _panics and Does Physics. Sheppard covers their escape and gets captured. Oh noes!_

_All of that was done to the sound of ballet music. The Genii, however, are not wearing tutus. Neither is Sheppard, McKay, or Teyla. Ronon, on the other hand... No, only joking._

**9\. I'll Make You Scream**  
(Tune: What You Feel - sung by Sweet, the dancing demon)

SHEPPARD _is tied to a chair, unconscious._ KOLYA _is standing over him. Kolya has the slightly constipated look of someone who is struggling to come up with a rhyme for "nemesis". Sheppard groggily wakes up._

KOLYA:  
So, you are awake,  
Welcome to my lair.  
I mean to make you break;  
I'll torture you, or mock your hair.  
I have plans, they're dire and infernal  
(That's your cue for grovelling, colonel)  
I will make you quake,  
With fear and with despair.

Hear me sneer and gloat,  
Hear my threatening talk!  
See my stylish coat,  
And tremble at my... evil walk!  
Look at me, the recurring villain!  
I strut and plot while my minions go killing. 

SHEPPARD ( _defiantly_ )  
You know, it seems to me, that you are quite a dork.

KOLYA:  
And I'll make you scream, boy.  
I'll make you scream, boy.

_A look a triumph comes over Kolya's face. We can almost see the light bulb over his head. Has he worked out how to become the secret ruler of the universe? No, he finally has his rhyme!_

KOLYA:  
I'm your nemesis, you will feel great pain!  
My supremacy, you'll admit again and again.

_Sheppard looks disgusted at the lame rhyme, and remains strong and sure that, although Kolya might beat his body, he will never beat his rhyming_

KOLYA:  
Helpless, broken, battered and crying,  
Tortured and hopeless, you'll wish you were dying,  
I will torture you until you go insane. 

I will tell Weir that I have you here,  
And pass on my demands.  
Your life depends on all of your friends,  
Your safety's in their hands.  
I'll make you scream, boy.

_Kolya dials Atlantis. Unfortunately, he gets the wrong number. Instead, he has reached the Lair of the Shep Whumpers. "Give me what I want, or I'll hurt the Colonel," he says. He never expected whoops of glee that accompany the refusal. To be honest, it baffles him and makes him ever so slightly insecure._

SHEP WHUMPERS:  
Yes! Please thump him and whump him!  
We like our Shep hurting.

KOLYA ( _less assured than he was a moment before_ )  
I'll make him scream, girls!

SHEP WHUMPERS:  
Oh please kick him and whip him!  
We like his blood spurting. 

KOLYA ( _desperately trying to keep control of the situation_ ):  
I am Kolya, first name Acastus.  
I'll send Sheppard back covered in plasters.

SHEP WHUMPERS:  
Put the boot in, or shoot him:  
We aren't really fussy.

_Kolya breaks. His title as principal villain is slipping away from him like water in a receding tide. Never in all his life can be match the villainy of these ladies. Perhaps he will give up villainy and go off to become a guide dog for the blind, or something similarly worthwhile._

KOLYA:  
That sounds cruel and nasty and gory.  
Maybe I'll soothe him and read him a story. 

SHEP WHUMPERS:  
We're not thrilled by this villain,  
We think he's turned wussy. 

_The Shep Whumpers descend on Sheppard themselves_

SHEP WHUMPERS:  
Now we're whumping him:  
That's what it's all about.

 

 **10\. Face Another Day**  
(Tune: Standing - Giles' song)

 _The news of Sheppard's capture has not yet reached Atlantis._ WEIR _is in the Gate Room, watching and waiting. As she sings, we see flashbacks of past dangers faced by Sheppard and his team._

WEIR:  
Once again, I've sent you through the gate  
Once again, I have to stand and wait,  
And fret and worry when you check-in very late,  
And I…

When you get injured, I cannot be there.  
If you get captured, I can't show I care.  
If you're in danger now, I'm stuck here unaware,  
And I…

I need to play the leader,  
I cannot show my fears.  
I cannot lay my head down,  
And give in to my tears,  
And I must stay commanding,  
Not Elizabeth, but Weir,  
As I face another day.

Your team has bonded, but I stand alone:  
The lonely ruler on her lonely throne,  
The loving mother in her wild, unruly home,  
And I…

I fear the way before us  
Is full of grief and pain;  
I fear we'll pay in sorrow  
For every tiny gain.  
But a new day is dawning,  
And defiant we remain,  
As we face another day:  
Together, come what may.

 

Interlude number two: More actual plot

CHUCK _sings a warning of an incoming wormhole._ McKAY, TEYLA _and_ RONON _come in looking hot come in hot. An urgent briefing happens. New danger threatens. People argue. Mysterious things are found in long-hidden labs. There is angst. Men do things with guns. Etc. etc._

 

 **11\. I'm Not Sure Why**  
(Tune: Wish I Could Stay - Tara and Giles' duet, reprising the tunes of both their songs)

 

 _The author,_ RHYMER23, _is looking stressed. It is late, and this one song remains unwritten. The cats are going hungry. Work is looming in mere hours. There is much emotional whump here, dear readers._

RHYMER23:  
Oh, what can I do?  
Though it isn't long,  
This is quite a tricky song,  
Because it's sung by two,  
With two tunes entwined,  
And a lot of awkward rhymes.  
Oh what shall I do?

And there's this little thing called "plot."  
We're near the end, and we've not got  
An awful lot.

_The two following parts are sung simultaneously to two different tunes._

I'm not sure why…  
I'm not sure why I tried to write this thing  
Which is driving me insane  
Because the metre's hellish  
And last time I said "never again!"

 

I'm not sure why I started  
To write this bloody thing,  
It makes me cry in torment,  
And sing and sing and sing.

 _Both parts in unison:_  
I'm not sure why…  
I'm not sure why  
I'm not sure why  
I'm not sure…  
Why

 

 **12\. Walk Through the Wormhole**  
(Tune: Walk Through the Fire)

 _A rescue team is going out to retrieve Sheppard. They are looking very manly, firm and defiant. Leave no man behind, die for your friends, and all that._ McKAY, TEYLA _and_ RONON _are the main ones, along with a_ RANDOM SOLDIER WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. _These are the_ RESCUE TEAM.

RESCUE TEAM:  
The colonel's gone and we fear for him:  
We need to save him at all costs.  
We will not rest,  
We're angsty and depressed,  
Without him, everything is lost.

 _Meanwhile,_ SHEPPARD _is alone in prison, slightly battered from the attentions of the Shep Whumpers, but still stoic and defiant._

SHEPPARD:  
I know my team will come for me  
Risking all to save my life.  
I can't allow  
My team to suffer…

RANDOM GUARD:  
Ow!  
I wonder where he hid that knife.

_The guard dies._

RESCUE TEAM ( _looking resolved and heroic_ ):  
So we will walk through the wormhole  
No matter where it ends.  
We will walk through the wormhole  
For our...

_Kolya seems to have recovered from his crisis of confidence._

KOLYA:  
I know his team will come for him,  
And then they'll fall into my trap.  
The colonel's bait,  
And they will meet their fate.  
And I will triumph over… Crap!

( _Sheppard has burst into Kolya's control room and has wrestled Kolya to the ground_ )

RESCUE TEAM ( _still looking resolved and heroic, and still in the Gate Room_ ):  
So we will walk through the wormhole  
No matter where it ends.  
We will walk through the wormhole  
For our...

SHEPPARD:  
Sorry, Kolya, I'll be going

GENII GUARDS:  
We are Genii! See us glowing!

KOLYA:  
Stop your singing, fools, and bring him back!

GENII GUARDS:  
Sorry, sir, we're really trying,  
But we seem to keep on dying  
(It's hard to sing when lying on your back.)

RONON ( _spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing_ ):  
I'll kill 'em all  
And then the enemy will fall  
And I will walk through the wormhole.

RANDOM SOLDIER WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE:  
So through the Gate we'll search for him,  
But I'm afraid I'll end up dead.  
I've not been seen,  
In any other scene:  
My shirt it may as well be red.

McKAY:  
Come on… er… let's go ass-kicking,  
There's an enemy… needs licking  
(Isn't that the sort of thing he'd say?)

WEIR:  
I will pace and wait and worry

RONON:  
Wanna shoot things! We must hurry!  
I haven't shot a thing today.

SHEPPARD:  
And now I'm free,  
Although I've suffered injury.

ALL:  
So we will walk through the wormhole  
No matter where it ends.  
We will walk through the wormhole  
For our friends,  
For our friends,  
For our friends,  
For our friends.

_The Rescue Team walks through the wormhole to rescue Sheppard. As they arrive, they meet Sheppard coming back. Jokes and mild rebukes happen, but then…._

 

 **13\. Here We Are**  
(Tune: Life's a Show / Give Me Something To Sing About, as sung by Buffy)

 _The author suddenly remembers that this is supposed to be a season finale sort of story. Just as we thought the story was over, the Something Mysterious rears its head, revealing fresh dangers of unimaginable power. The_ WRAITH, REPLICATORS, REMAINING GENII, _and_ EVERY OTHER VILLAIN EVER SEEN IN THE SHOW, _as well as some who haven't, like those_ MARMOTS FROM LUCIUS' PLANET, WHICH ACTUALLY HAVE SABRE-TEETH _jump out. These will collectively be known as the_ BADDIES.

BADDIES:  
Here we are!  
We've come to wipe you out!  
We'll make you scream and shout!  
The end of season rout!

 _Everyone else is collectively known as the_ GOODIES. _The Goodies attempt to sing, but the baddies subdue them with glaring, guns and louder singing voices._

BADDIES:  
Bwahaha!  
We'll claim the second verse,  
And you will start to curse,  
As everything gets worse.

 ~~SKINNER~~ CALDWELL _rushes in, hastily buttoning up his shirt_ :

CALDWELL:  
Look! I've just appeared!  
The finale's here!

 _Assorted_ GENERALS _and some SG-1 cameos wave at the camera._

GENERALS ETC.:  
Look! We're also here!  
Though our role's not clear  
At least  
This year

And with this extra cast,  
We are bound to win the war quite fast.  
Oh yes, we will!

BADDIES:  
Oh no you won't!

We are coming to wipe you out!  
(Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!)  
We are coming to wipe you out!

SHEPPARD, McKAY, TEYLA and RONON:  
Here we are!  
The battle is engaged,  
The team takes centre stage.  
Upon the final page.

OTHER GOODIES:  
Hurrah! Hurray!  
There's Sheppard and McKay,  
And Teyla, Dex and they  
Are going to save the day. 

McKAY:  
"Genius", "Citrus," "Doom"

RONON:  
*stab, stab, stab, twirl, boom*

SHEPPARD:  
*flying high - zoom! zoom!*

TEYLA:  
We shall face the gloom,  
And surely  
Soon  
The enemy shall die,  
As we four fight it side by side by side.

BADDIES:  
And yet you'll fail  
We'll make you wail

_The Baddies do something particularly bad, and gain the upper hand._

McKAY:  
We're all going to die,  
Unless I do tough  
Space sciency stuff,  
And save us

_He fails, and Doom leaps out at him in a way that looks rather fatal._

TEYLA:  
Ronon and I,  
With my twirly sticks  
And his blaster tricks,  
Will save us

_They fail, and Doom leaps out at them in a way that looks rather fatal._

PESSIMISTIC GOODIES:  
Oh, nobody can save us!

SHEPPARD:  
We won't let you all wipe us out!  
No! We won't let you…

It's over to me,  
This is my cue  
To do something su-icidal.  
And heroically  
Armed with a bomb,  
I'll do something hom-icidal

EVERYONE ELSE:  
And he is suicidal,  
Heroically he's died… Oh!

_Sheppard appears to be dead. It must be Tuesday._

14\. The End  
(Tune: Sweet's song, the reprise)

[The audio file is here](http://www.zshare.net/audio/423669262740f7/)

BADDIES:  
Well, the end has come,  
We're launching our attack.  
We're all having fun,  
And our plans are still on track.  
All the heroes are hanging from cliffies,  
Their survival is looking quite iffy.  
Well, we've gotta run…  
And the screen goes black.

_The baddies return to their lairs to do their nails, read the papers, watch daytime TV etc., and await the new season, when they can resume their villainy._

**15\. Where do we go from here?**  
(Tune: Where Do We Go From Here?)

THE FANS:  
Where do we go from here?  
Everyone's doomed! Oh dear!  
All is lost  
There's a dreadful cost,  
To be paid in blood and tears.  
Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?  
That's why the Net is here.  
With our shipper wars  
And our OT4s  
Analysis and squee:  
Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?  
One thing at least is clear:  
With our pics and vids  
And our post-ep fics  
We'll have fun for years and years.  
That's where we'll go from here.

 **16A. The Post-ep fanfic - version A**  
(Tune: The coda - mostly the same tune as Walk Through The Fire)

TEAM:  
Well, that was tough, and replete with whump,  
Friendship, danger, angst and fear.  
But through it all,  
Together we stood tall:  
That's where we go from here!

 

**16B. The Post-ep fanfic - version B**

SOMEONE:  
Our brush with death has made me see  
That I'm in love with you, my dear.

SOMEONE ELSE:  
A brand new morn  
Of frolicking and porn:

BOTH:  
That's where we go from here!

******

END


End file.
